Laughing in the Abyss

Today is my 35th birthday. I sit here with my dogs and cats wondering why on earth I’m here. Okay yeah I’m here cause all those years ago my parents made choice to have another kids and yada yada yada… I’m more thinking, why on earth am I here, on my couch, rewatching ‘Arrow’. I’m wondering why I’ve never really accomplished anything aside from living, wondering why I always feel so unfulfilled, and why I’ve never done anything about it.

Am I being dramatic? Of course, thats what I do. I’m having my midlife crisis again and again and again. Or its just the depression. Yeah, its the depression, that never fails. Come on Lexapro, get it together. I feel like there are so many aspects of my life that are just, there… just moving in place around me while I just? Yes, it’s the depression, I know. Yes, I’m in therapy and we’re doing our best. I the midst of everything else, I’m here, looking for anything to legitimately spark joy in my mush little brain.

I start my 35th year with a nagging plea to myself to be more something. I can’t ask for more happy cause that unrealistic, but I can try to add some spice to this meat sack of sadness. Where do I begin? I keep getting asked, ‘What makes you happy?’ or “What do you think will make you happy?’ Well Becca I don’t know! (Oh yeah Becca is my therapist, she’ll be mentioned a lot I’m sure.) I literally don’t know. There’s a part of me that feels that admitting liking something will make me uncool? Like my middle school/high school emo hoodrat inside is like ‘yeah nothing is cool and that makes me cool’! Spoiler… I was not cool. Mostly I feel that admitting I like something or at least interested in something means I would have to try something and by trying something means that wouldn’t be good at it and if I’m not perfect at it then whats the point? Thats how my mind works.

Let’s start with some interesting sounding hobbies. Things I’m willing to try and fail at, and continue to keep trying to have fun. Well first I need to adjust my SHIT attitude. The truth of it is I can think up a whole life plan to change my life while I’m sitting wide awake at 3am; then there’s the actual actions of putting it into place. Like actually having to try and do the things I felt so compeled to do. I have a planner/journal that is a help, but doing it daily is a push. And I’m not putting pressure on myself to care that much to have a perfect planner (thats new and improved!). I don’t know if it’s the constant commentary of other that ‘oh its so easy! just do blah blah blah…’ I wonder what it would be like to be a person who can just wake up and change and do things?

Back to it, how it going to happen? How I am going to remotley keep myself accountable to even try and put in the effort? Oh right make a blog! That’s what the cool kids are doing right? This is still a thing and relevant right? Who cares, I’m doing it anyway. Follow along for the ride of depressed, scarastic, and possibly life changing adventure of me trying to get it together.