Laughing in the Abyss

Here we are, Day 2 of my journey to not be who I’ve been for the past 35 years. So far not the best start. I have been loafed on the couch most of the day and feeling sorry for myself. The usual.

I can honestly say that social media is going to be the next big thing I need to regulate. Among so many reasons why it’s not right for anyone, it really does send my brain into a spiral of complete dogshit. Not only do I get ads about how to make more money than god “By just doing these simple steps! (and paying me $6000 to show you!)”, then I get to see people I actually know posting what they want the world to see and how ‘great’ their lives are. Today I’m bothered by the fact an old friend and coworker of mine just left the clinic we used to work at. Like yes good for her and then I start thinking, why is she leaving? Did she get another job? Did her boyfriend finally allow her to stop working since they’re getting married and she doesn’t have too? All these thoughts and questions that made me feel even worse.

I have a problem thinking I’m completely failing at life. Seeing anyone accomplish anything of any level of standard makes me feel totally worthless. Of course there’s every celebrity and athlete you see doing amazing things and its like, why did my parents not push me to do anything? Somehow seeing people I know do anything is worse? Even things I never want, like children, I’m like “oh wow they’re livin’ the dream”. I sure as shit don’t want that but I want something.

Listen I know I’m the problem and I can and should actually start doing something with myself. I’m 35, overweight, living pay check to paycheck, and living with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years ho has done nothing with his life. There’s a lot to unpack there. I do have a stable job, not the most fulfilling, but it gives me money and benefits and that all we want right? I just want change and something new and different. Preaching to the world choir here, and there needs to be something out there? That’s where all of this comes into play, something to help keep me accountable and stop being a little bitch.

Where do I start first? Everything seems so overwhelming to just start. I did shop at Trader Joe’s this week, yay new healthy food! Trying to start/keep some kind of a ‘diet’ with out totally jumping back into my eating disorder (oh yeah, there’s that…different time). Also sticking to drinking a fuck ton of water and tea all day everyday. I need to actually start some kind of exercise; walking more, more movement, you know all the things.

More over doing something to give my brain a way to not dwell on everything. Yay hobbies! I love that spent most of my life not having any or trying to find something I enjoy outside of work. Getting a job at 12 was great for my social skills, killed me in every other part of being a human. It’s like I put all the importance in the fact that I can work and do a good job I didn’t see the need to do anything else.

Okay enough of the same. I start new and I make it happen. Let’s go…